Broken Hearts Damaged Goods Read online

  He then went on to explain that we would put on the appearance of a couple, but we would be friends helping each other knowing that the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere. We would be satisfying each other’s physical and emotional needs, whether it was a make out session or holding each other in bed.

  We were going to be each other’s cocoon, where we could be ourselves and learn to love again. We were going to take our broken hearts and all of the baggage that we have collected over the years and become whole again.

  For once I was going to use a guy, and he was going to use me. And it wasn’t going to be cheap and meaningless. We were both going into it knowing what it was. He wasn’t going to be another regret.

  And I didn’t regret last night. There was a part of me that wanted to have sex with him, but it was more out of a feeling of revenge to get back at Steve. Jack apologized saying that he wasn’t ready for that yet. He was still too much in love with Brittany. And I was okay with that because he held me in a way that Steve never did and listened to everything that I had to say. I think it was the first time I have ever had a serious conversation with a guy in bed.

  I’m not sure now what all we talked about. I know we talked about previous relationships. I told him about some of the guys that I have been with. He never made me feel cheap. He just continued to hold me and listen to me. He was interested in me and everything that I had to say.

  And I felt good about myself for the first time since I started dating.

  I don’t know how long we talked, or when I finally fell asleep. I just know that I fell asleep in his arms... and that I was surprised to wake up this morning finding him looking out the window. He seemed lost in thought.

  I got out of bed and put my arms around him and asked if he was okay.

  “Yeah, the reality of yesterday just came back to me. And the world doesn’t seem to have taken notice. Look at how the sun is shining and the birds are singing. Nature is saying everything is fine and that it’s a beautiful day.”

  I took my arms from around his waist and moved them up to his chest and just held his shoulders and neck closer to my face so that I could whisper in his ear that things will get better.

  He acknowledged this even if he didn’t really believe it and then said, “God, your ring is cold.”

  It was then that I noticed that I was still wearing his ring on my finger.

  “Do you want it back?”

  His torment then returned before he finally said, “No, I don’t want a physical reminder. If you give it back to me, I will just carry it in my pocket and obsess over it and everything that was and could have been. Anyway, I like it on you. It seems to compliment you somehow.”

  It is a beautiful ring. I hate to wear it just because I know that it was never meant for me. And I feel like my wearing it hurts him. He seems to go through different moods. I noticed that today about him. Sometimes he is distant and lost in thought, but he will never tell me what he is thinking about. He just turns it back to me and what I want to do or talk about.

  As much as I have enjoyed spending the night and the day with him, there is a part of him that makes me feel really sorry for him. He won’t talk about what is bothering him. I’m fine with him not talking about it. I’m just glad that I can be there for him, even it is by just holding him and being there for him when he is ready to talk.

  Maybe he will open up more to me tonight when we are in bed.

  Emo Love Poem

  By

  Jack Webber

  I was going to kill myself today. I’m not sure what the reason was, or even if I want to tell you anyway. I know that you probably don’t care, even if I explained the problem, so I will just tell you how I failed. That should make you happy since you like to believe that I’m a failure.

  First I prayed to God to just take me. I thought this was fail proof. Plus it’s quick, easy, and painless. You drop dead, and that’s that. But even God didn’t want me. That’s how unlovable I am.

  So I got in my car and decided that I was going to run a red light and hit another car on purpose. I was sure that I could do this. I was prepared to do this, except that every time I changed the station I heard “How to Save a Life”. I couldn’t kill myself to a song that is about suicide. It would make my death too commercialized.

  Plus, I started to think that I really did love my car and didn’t want anything to happen to it. And I thought that taking out somebody else might make me like a suicide bomber. I didn’t want people to think that I was a radical atheist or anything, so I started to find other ways to kill myself.

  The problem was that I have a fear of sharp objects, so that took out razor blades, swords, and knives.

  I was going to hang myself, but I thought that I would rather have people say that I was hung and not hanged. Plus if I came back as a ghost, I didn’t want a ghost noose around my neck for the rest of my life.

  I was going to use a gun, but I’ve never fired a gun. If you don’t shoot yourself just right, you can end up being a vegetable. I didn’t want to chance that and have people feel sorry for me.

  I was going to overdose on something I found in the medicine cabinet, but I have a hard time swallowing pills and didn’t think that Pepto Bismal would kill me.

  I was going to jump off a bridge, but then I thought that the water was probably polluted. Plus I don’t like to be in cold water. And I enjoy hot tubs too much to ever want to drown myself in one.

  And as I went through the list of every way to kill myself, I found that they didn’t suit me. If I’m going to die, I’m going to make sure that it fits my personality.

  I know that you think this is an excuse and that the real reason I didn’t kill myself was because I’m a coward and couldn’t do it. You might even think I found a reason to live, which I didn’t.

  I just decided that the best way for me to kill myself was by getting old. I figured it’s the greatest act of defiance I could do that would piss you off the most.

  A Rose by Any Other Name

  By

  Jack Webber

  Bitch

  Slut

  Whore

  Skank

  Tramp

  Best Friend Fucker

  Slut Ass Bitch Whore

  Skank Ass Bitch

  Tramp Bitch Whore

  Skanky Slut Bitch Ass Whore

  Trampy Slut Hoe Bag Skank Bitch Whore

  Best Friend Fucking Skanky Ass Hoe Bag Tramp Whore Slut

  Love of my Life

  Sept. 12, 2010

  Jack spent the night again last night. Actually, he spent all day with me. He’s kind of moving in. I discussed it today with Megan. I told her the entire story of how Steve cheated on me with Jack’s girlfriend. He can’t very well go back to his apartment.

  I don’t think Megan liked the idea of him moving in, but he’s not going to be any trouble. He’s just going to be sleeping in my bed. And I’ll be taking care of him and everything. He even promised to put the toilet seat down when he uses the bathroom. I mean, it shouldn’t be any different than if I had a boyfriend that slept over every night.

  She said, “You’re asking a guy that you barely know to sleep with you every night, and you’re treating him like you just got a puppy.”

  She thinks this is going to end badly because I have a habit of falling in love with guys that I share my bed with.

  “What’s he going to do when you two break up?”

  For my best friend, she sounded an awful lot like my mother. The only logical thing to say to that is, “He’s going to float away and be a beautiful butterfly.”

  I don’t think Megan knew how to take that. I then explained to her that Jack and I are going to be each other’s cocoon. We’re going to use each other to get over the heartache, and then when we are ready, we’ll just float away and be ready to love again.

  She thinks I’m crazy. I think this is the best thing to ever happen to me. I can finally break my cycle of dating guys that I shouldn’
t. I’ve needed romantic rehab for a long time now. I tried to explain this to Megan, but I think I just came off as a little slutty.

  Anyway, I think this whole rehab thing will work. Jack is used to long term relationships. I’m used to more flings with the occasional relationship label attached to it. We are perfect for helping each other. He can let me know what it is like to be in a true relationship, and I can help him with some of the less committed aspects of a relationship. Then when we go our separate ways, we can know what to look for in our next relationship.

  He’s getting some of his clothes to keep over here. It’s kind of a provisional thing until I can prove to Megan that he’s not going to be any trouble. And he had to go through a lot of trouble to get his own stuff. He had to call Steve and make sure that he wasn’t going to be over at the apartment first. I think Steve actually left just so Jack could come over and get everything.

  I’m kind of curious whether he will see stuff belonging to Brittany when he is over there. I know that Steve and Brittany broke it off last weekend, but that was before I broke up with him. Now that he is officially single, I would think that he would call her up.

  Not that it matters. Jack and I are going to dinner and a movie tonight as soon as he gets back from getting his stuff from his apartment.

  I know that there’s going to come a day when Jack and Steve are going to have to face each other. There’s probably going to be a fight. Part of me wants Jack to just go over and beat Steve up now. I think he would, but his feeling of loss over Brittany far outweighs his anger at Steve. It’s too bad I’m not a guy. My anger is greater than my feeling of loss. I would totally kick my former best friend’s ass for sleeping with my girlfriend

  I know I shouldn’t be angry. Getting cheated on allowed me to just walk away from a failing relationship without having any guilt. For once I can say that I’m not to blame for a relationship ending. Although, if I had been different or acted differently, would he have cheated on me?

  I Saw Her Again Last Night

  By

  Jack Webber

  It should have been simple enough. All I was doing was going to my apartment to pick up a few things.

  The place was empty when I entered. It was haunted by memories of a happier time when I was still ignorant of the facts, but it was still empty of human life. I can deal with the torture of the memories. In a way, I have been thriving on them. They at least remind me that everything I knew was once real. It’s the physical manifestations of ghosts from my past that I fear.

  I knew that my time was limited, but I enjoyed being there too much to even begin to think about leaving. I looked at the pictures of us as a couple. They were important enough to her that she framed them and gave them to me as a gift.

  The pictures help to prove that I’m not crazy.

  I should have left once I knew that I couldn’t resist the desire to dwell on the pictures. As much as it hurt, I enjoyed it too much. I wanted the torture to go on, and soon found myself laying on my bed and looking at the last picture of us as a couple.

  Her smell still lingered on the pillow, and I didn’t want to leave her, even after she had left me.

  I don’t know how long I stayed there in my own private purgatory. I only know that I saw her apparition staring at me from the hallway. She was speechless, but I could tell that she thought I was some sort of pathetic creature.

  I didn’t care what she thought. She still looked beautiful to me. I would have given anything to be with her at that moment. I was taken from purgatory with a glimpse of heaven before being thrust into the pits of hell.

  As I approached her, she ran away crying.

  There was a time I could hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay, and she would believe me. Now the sight of me caused her a pain that she wouldn’t let me take away.

  I left her in the kitchen...

  And left the picture of us on the pillow.

  Leaving me with only my memories.

  Sept. 13, 2010

  I had a wonderful time with Jack last night. He’s just a lot of fun to hang out. He’s easy to talk to, and he actually listens to you. He acts more like how I would want my boyfriend to act than any guy I’ve actually ever dated.

  I could tell that something was bothering him. He came back from getting his clothes without bringing any back. I tried to get him to talk about what happened, but he just said that we had better get dinner if we were to catch the movie on time.

  We made chit chat over dinner. Then I said, “You know, if I’m going to be your cocoon, you’re going to have to open up to me.”

  “You can be my cocoon later tonight when I won’t have to worry about crying in public.”

  He said it with such grace and dignity that I couldn’t tell if he was making a joke or not. There was even a slight smile on his face as he casually returned to his veal parmesan and slurped in a string of spaghetti.

  I’ve noticed this quality about him. He can make some of the darkest things extremely funny. It’s like he enjoys suffering just so he can make fun of it. I think that is why he won’t let me give him back his ring.

  I’ve tried to give it back to him several times, but he just gives me a line like, “It looks better on you”, or, “I would take it back, but it clashes with all of my outfits.”

  As much as he says that he doesn’t want it, I see him looking at it sometimes. He just gets lost in thought. He did that at dinner tonight. I didn’t know what to do, so I just put my hand over the ring.

  He looked at me and smiled. “You’re fine. You don’t have to cover it up. I want that ring to be seen. I bought it to be shown off.”

  “What happened over at your apartment?”

  Without missing a beat and without losing his smile, he said, “Brittany kind of walked in on me while I was staring longingly at the last picture of us as a couple and sniffing the pillow that she slept on. She ran into the kitchen crying. I would have tried to comfort her, but the only thing I could think of was, ‘What? It’s not like I was beating off to a picture of you.’ I figured that was somehow inappropriate at that moment and left.”

  I knew that I shouldn’t have laughed, but I couldn’t help it. I decided not to try to discuss what was wrong with him again over dinner.

  After dinner, we went to the movies. The theater was full of couples and groups of high schoolers. Jack turned to me and said, “Do you want to act like a couple, or would you rather just make fun of the other couples?”

  So he put his arm around me while we made fun of the kids in high school and how they didn’t really know anything about love or relationships.

  It hasn’t been that long since I was in high school, but I know that how I love and what I expect from a relationship has changed drastically. I was even surprised to find out that Brittany wasn’t Jack’s first girlfriend. He had dated a few other girls in high school. Brittany was just his first serious actual relationship.

  I asked him what made her different that he knew she wasn’t a typical high school romance. He said, “She didn’t make me feel like a horny teenage boy. I was more interested in getting to know her and spending quality time with her instead of trying to see how far I could get with her.”

  As I look over my previous relationships, I don’t think I have ever dated a guy that has felt that way about me. I don’t know if it was me or the guys that I’ve dated. I would like to think that it was the guys. Maybe they never grew up past the horny teenage boy syndrome. Maybe I never gave them the chance to love me as anything deeper.

  I look at Brittany. I don’t see anything special about her. I mean, she’s cute and all, but there is nothing that makes her so special that somebody like Jack should just make her the center of his world.

  There has to be more to love than everything I have read or seen in the movies. I don’t know how some couples last so long and never seem to grow tired of each other.

  Jack wonders why Brittany cheated on him and never told him th
at something was wrong with their relationship. He always thought they were happy together. He said that is what hurts the most right now.

  I told him that I tried to save my relationship with Steve, but I just couldn’t. Sometimes you just have to take comfort in the fact that it wasn’t you. As much as you loved the other person, you can’t do everything in a relationship.

  I like sleeping with Jack. We just lie in bed and have deep conversations. He holds me and makes me feel like I have worth. I know that we are just each other’s cocoon, but I feel safe with him and am glad that I have gotten to know him better.

  I don’t know if he feels the same way or not. I think he is glad to have me around because he feels so alone right now. He is more willing to listen than to talk, although he did talk more last night. He talked about Brittany and how he felt about seeing her at the apartment.

  I asked him what he thought about Steve. He said that he wasn’t that angry at him. He just didn’t want to see him. He said that he doesn’t blame either of them for what happened. He thinks that there must have been something wrong with him to cause his best friend and his girlfriend of four years to cheat on him.

  I don’t see how there could be anything wrong with him. He’s not to blame. I think if he would actually talk to Steve and Brittany, he would see that. I know that he doesn’t want to talk to them. But they were such a large part of his life that I think he has to talk to them at some point.

  Right now he is feeling like an outcast. His friends haven’t really taken a side. They just don’t want to deal with all of the drama. Jack seems to want to think his way through all of this. He says he can’t do that with his other friends since they knew about the affair and didn’t tell him. He doesn’t seem to be mad at them. He says that he probably would have done the same thing if he had been in their position. He said that guys have a certain code of conduct that forbids them from revealing such things to their friends.